?To My Best Friend,

I write this in hopes that wherever you may be, you have found your strength, your peace and most importantly, your happiness. I have known you only a few years but nonetheless, I watched the light in your eyes vanish as if you were a simply a lit candle placed next to an open window. I was with you when you felt like a stranger inside your own mind. Every question I’ve asked, you’ve answered sincerely and truthfully. However, I have left almost all of yours unanswered. For that I am sorry. I want you to know that this was not because of a lack of trust in you. It was because of a fear I couldn’t bring myself to confront at the time. That same fear would consume me with anxiety and guilt every time I tried to put into words the tornado of emotions rushing through my head. This fear filled my head will paranoia that prevented me from being who I wanted to be. I never thought I was strong enough to put the fear of my own failure behind me.

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I woke up every morning only to find myself in a downward spiral. A downward spiral that I created for myself, by myself. My mind was a breeding ground for thoughts I still wish I could erase forever, my hands were magnets for anything that could cause me distress or bring me the self-destruction I craved so violently. My body covered in permanent reminders of my deteriorating state of mind. I look back to those times and I remember how scared I was, of everything. I remember realizing I had lost my sense of self. I was and still am just a child and I couldn’t believe what I had put myself and the people around me through.

On Saturday morning, I woke up and watched the dust drift through the sun rays on your baby blue walls. I remember thinking to myself that I wasn’t tired anymore, I felt energized. There was no fear of impending doom waiting for me behind every corner. Almost as if a fog behind my eyes had cleared and the new me was waking up from a winter of hibern…

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